I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
so that wasnt chicken after all
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
