last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
