Cold hands, warm shart.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
