She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
