last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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