One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
