Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
