Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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