I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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