im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
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He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
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Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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