it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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