Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
