while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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