dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I think my vagina is haunted
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
