Sorry, I don't speak sober.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
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Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
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A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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