Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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