I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize