lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
