I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
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