Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
