The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
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