I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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