I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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