So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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