I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
