I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
