My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
