this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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