I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
