Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
