My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
