My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
