I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
