We won't sleep together?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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