sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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