thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
