i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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