Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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