How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
a search helicopter?!
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I party with great urgency now.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize