dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
