i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
