did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
