i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
