Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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