I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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