Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
