My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
