Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
