I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
