its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
