I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
