Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
