I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
