spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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